Sick Cycle Carousel

The Texas Rangers are taking names and kicking @$$ this season yet I feel all the curveballs being thrown are in my direction.
I try NOT to take pride in being a nice person or having a great heart because I will be dead honest and tell you that I can seriously be a %&@#& when the time calls for it and I can seriously rip you a new one if I feel you deserve it.
I have been told by at least one person in specific that I am a great mother, I have a good heart and I can be a really nice person. But yet at the same time I get belittled, put down, insulted and joked about. How is one supposed to take all those compliments seriously when they are pretty much being thrown at the same window they came in from?!
I am not asking to be complimented every day because I too can joke how bad I look, how fat I feel, how big my thighs or my nose are, how messy my hair is, or how just awful I did my make up. BUT, it is okay to joke with me about those things at the same time I am joking about them. Making a joke that someone looks like crap when someone feels like they are on their deathbed and KNOWING they look like crap is not funny. Especially if you are that person's significant other/spouse/partner (whatever). I don't expect anyone to crack a lie either and say the person is beautiful or handsome or whatever the case may be....unless that is truly what comes from your heart.
I have been put down and then brought back up just to be knocked back down again. I no longer want to feel that way. I want someone that will wake up next to me and even though we both have morning breath, kiss me good morning. I want someone that will give me soup, tissues, medicine and still curl up on the couch with me or in the bed with me and watch TV or movies with me when I am sick; not afraid to get sick themselves. I want someone who will take my hand when I am at a crossroads in life and tell me they will never let go and they will be by my side until the path has been chosen. I want someone to tell me they care and tell me they understand and TRULY mean it.
I am at that fork in the road right now in life. I have friends that share their opinions and give me their advice. I also have those friends that just sit and listen contently without interruptions and lets me vent and cry and in the end just holds me and tells me that they are sorry I am going through all this and wishes they can do more to help but the most important thing is that they are there and not going anywhere anytime soon.
I had a friend back in high school make me a mixed CD...yes back then they were CD's not tapes! Ha. Either way, there is this song on there that I completely forgot about and haven't heard since I got that CD YEARS and YEARS ago and it is now on repeat in my car. What song is it, you ask? Lifehouse-Sick Cycle Carousel The song means completely different to others than it does for me. The lead singer says the meaning of the song is that the carousel that he cannot get off of is the continued trap of sin, and the final realization that he can be saved by grace alone, and can't do it on his own. Others see it as a guy chasing after a girl and she keeps putting him down or leading him on. But to me it means that you're in that point in your relationship in which you must make a choice if you are going stay together or not. The relationship is not going to so well and it's just a cycle of bad decisions and you have to make the choice of whether or not you're going to make the right decision. Hence the name "sick cycle carousel" because it's like making the same mistakes over and over and never really fixing them.
Personally, I am ready to get off this carousel of pain and unhappiness.

If shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine
If it had a home would it be my eyes
Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this
Well here we go now one more time

'Cause I try to climb your steps
I try to chase you down
I try to see how low I can get down to the ground
I try to earn my way
I try to change this mind
You better believe that I am trying to beat this

So when will this end
It goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good

I never thought I'd end up here
Never thought I'd be standing where I am
I guess I kind of thought that it would be easier than this
I guess I was wrong now one more time

'Cause I try to climb your steps
I try to chase you down
I try to see how low I can get down to the ground
And i try to earn my way
I try to change this mind
You better believe that I am trying to beat this,

So when will this end
It goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this

Sick cycle carousel, this is a sick cycle, yeah
Sick cycle carousel
This is a sick cycle yeah

So when will this end
It goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good

When will this end
It goes on and on
Over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it won't stop
Till I step down from this for good

Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel
Sick cycle carousel

One day, one day I will finally be off this carousel that just keeps spinning further and further out of control and when I do, I know it will take me a while to walk in the right direction after all that spinning but I will find my footing and move on to a much smoother ride that goes in a straight line and not backwards or in circles.