Merry Christmas Eve-(had no title)

I wanted to take this time to wish everyone a very happy holiday, merry Christmas, or whatever you want to call it now a days as something so simple can offend anyone.
I know it is 2 days before Christmas but I really was not in the mood to clean today. All I did was clean the master bedroom and wash our bedsheets. Wow, I cleaned! ha ha! Therefore, I will be busting my butt to a) finish a friend's Christmas present (which doesn't have much more to go), b) clean my house tomorrow...at least the visible areas that everyone will see Christmas morning, and c) bake over 40 cookies...at least the recipe calls for 72 servings. I think that is about 6 dozen cookies. What the heck??? I don't need that many cookies. Oh well. Santa/my hubby will enjoy them along with the boys and the hungry folks that come over and eat my food on Christmas! ha ha.
Why is it that this time of the year I should be feeling joyous, happy, excited, wonderful and all the other "gay" feelings that come with this time of the year but instead I feel so blue, down in the dumps, bummed, upset, hurt, and depressed and any other "bury myself in a hole" feelings???
I guess I can say one reason that I am a bit bummed because this time last year my brother was here. We aren't twins but some say we act like it. We finish each others' sentences, hang out all the time (well we did when he was here), talked on the phone all the time, texted across the room, Facebooked in the same room, laughed at just the thought of what each other was thinking without even saying anything. I miss him. He is in Florida this Christmas and I wish he was home with us.

My brother being goofy!

Another reason I am a down this time of the year is because I lost my job 4 days before Christmas. I don't need to get into that because I think I already wrote 2 blogs about it already. It took me 8 months to find a job last year wow this year (my brain is thinking it's 2011 already ha ha). Even when I had a job, I wasn't making enough money and didn't feel like I was helping financially when I was...in a way. Now, I definitely won't be able to help out financially and it stinks living paycheck to paycheck. I'm hoping I can start my photography business back up but I have been thinking to get some free portfolio building sessions to build a steady portfolio that shows a consistent style that is MINE and maybe then I can get some paying clients and build up a name for myself. *Crosses fingers*
I'm a bit depressed because everyone around me is getting pregnant or having babies. No, I haven't been trying and no, I haven't lost any babies. But, I am ready for another baby and the more my dear hubby and I talk about it, the more it seems he pushes it further and further from me. He says he wants more kids. Even last night he said he wouldn't mind 2 or 3 more. Whoa, wait a minute. 2 or 3 more???? I have always dreamed of just 2 kids! Not sure I can hand 4-5 kids. Either way, I want one and I feel the closer I get to 30, the less it is going to happen. Yes, I have 3 more years until that happens but the last 4 yrs of my lil man's life went by in a flash and I don't want to look and tomorrow I am 30.
Also, I am still sick with this phlegm, cough, nose blowing, sniffling crap.
It is so hard to get into the Christmas spirit when I feel so down but I am going to try my best and stay positive and know that the new year is going to be better for me than this past year. I know it will...or at least I can stay positive and say it will.
Okay, I am being told to get my shoes on so I can run with dear hubby to the store to get some eggs or else I can make my large batch of cookies I wanted to make tonight.
Merry Christmas to you all!
Please be careful if you are traveling and stay safe and can't wait to read everyone's blogs when I get back after Christmas from a blog hiatus!