Wednesday, December 28, 2011

They Never Said It Would Be Easy

Christmas was a blast with my lil guy. He got 3 Christmas' pretty much. One with his dad, my parents and then myself with a few friends. He is a very spoiled and loved like man! He has, though, been taking advantage of the situation, I believe because he has not been listening to me and he has been acting out.
It gets very tough at times because even in a crowded room I can feel like I am all alone. I have a handful, right now, that are being a great help and I appreciate everything they do. But even on good days, I feel like I am burdening them with having to "help" take care if my son. They definitely don't see it that way but my brain acts differently.
Growing up for me, I wouldn't necessarily say, was rough but it definitely wasn't ideal. I was punished several times in a way I would never in my right mind punish my child(ren) for things I never did. Also I felt that some siblings got more attention than myself but with 4 kids, sometimes it's hard to equal out the attention. I was always the independent one. The one that "could do it all the right way" a lot of family members and family friends would comment. I applaud my mother for having the strength and agility to handle work, school and 4 kids as well as raising, full time and temporarily, 2 grandkids. There are some things, though, that I do not agree with that she has said or done but those are my opinions that I will keep to myself. I just feel sometimes that my child is a burden on her as well as anyone else we come in contact with.
I was told yesterday by a beautiful and wonderful soul that parenting is definitely not easy and that they enjoy being around my son. That if I ever need any help, to just ask and they will be glad to help out especially if I need a moment to myself.
That is another weakness of mine. Because I did pretty much everything on my own growing up as well as in the past several years, I find it very difficult to ask for any kind of help. To me, for me, that shows I am weak and cannot do it on my own. Many will and would disagree and will say it shows strength when you ask for help. Eventually, with being a single parent now, it will become easier to ask for help but right now I have to learn to do that in my own time. Even when my son doesn't listen and a friend or family member get onto him because he won't listen to what I am saying, I feel very embarrassed because I feel it is my responsibility as his mother to discipline him and no one else's. It makes me feel less of a mother when that happens. I was degraded and put down many times in the past 5 years as a mother of either how I am not doing a good enough job, being too mean/harsh, or just not ready to be a parent...all by someone who should have been my partner and should have been by my side and helping me along the way. I had put up with that for so long, that that is all I know. I have to learn to let it all go and forget all.l that negativity and move on, but again that will come with time. My OWN time.
Also, I feel like at times, I have a right to be selfish because I have been selfless for many years if not most my life. When I want some time to myself, I believe I deserve to have that time. I do not appreciate anyone assuming or saying that while I have my son Im being selfish with things I've done or said. Trust me, Im the last person on my mind when I have possession of my son. Every mother deserves time to themselves to be pampered, read a book, soak in a hot bath, or just go out with the girls for some fun. I am doing all I can in my power to save up enough money to get my own place so that way I can my son full time. I've already spoke to legal aid today and have an appointment in late January. It may not help me any because my divorce is or should be final January 23rd but it will help in the fact that I will get information on how to go about a non-ugly easy custody situation.
With all this said, no one said anything or everything would be easy....especially as a single parent.

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