Friday, January 27, 2012

Unsure Of Myself

I thought, lately, my life was heading down the right path. I have a decent part time job...yes hours suck as it is only on the weekends which gives me NOTHING to do during the week to fill that void but I can't complain really as most would complain they are working too much. Guess the only real complaint would be that I am not making enough money to scrape by as a divorced mother. (well not divorced yet, but that is another topic). I also was about to get an apartment that I can share with my lil man and give him some stability in these rocky confusing times (for him).
I went to bed sick to my stomach and woke up with a headache bigger than the Mt Rushmore carvings. I think stress is creeping up on me again and I do not like it.
I also do not like thinking I am something to turn out to be nothing. I understand guys (and some gals) will look at porn here and there as that is a very natural thing to do. What I don't understand is why do they do it when they KNOW they have something better and prettier and less fake than all that?? Want more adventures in the bedroom?? Fine, just ask and maybe do some research together. Want more role play? Fine, just ask and go buy some costumes! Want something other than the norm? It is not that hard to ask a person. I understand if you are shy about it but your partner will never know unless you ask them. I was with a man for going on 8 years who I call a porn/sex addict. He was always at strip clubs, watching porn dvds, porn online, looking at pictures on the computer and saving them to his desktop or phone as well as even ordering the Playboy channel on cable tv. It is a no wonder our sex life was barely there. I felt I couldn't compare to those girls nor what they could "provide" in the bedroom. I felt I was no longer attractive and that is why he was doing that. At one point, during the peak of our sex life, he told me he was going to strip clubs because he wasn't getting enough sex. So watching girls dance naked/half naked around a pole to techno music gives you that satisfied feeling that you just had sex? Sure, makes a lot of sense....not sure why I never saw that before *sarcasm* Therefore, I do not want to be with anyone who is going to be like that. I already have self esteem issues let alone adding that on top of it just makes it worse.
So I ask myself just how pretty are you? How confident are you? How attractive do you seem? At this moment, I THOUGHT I was close to an 8 but now I feel like a 2 on the attractiveness scale. At this moment, I don't feel like any man can tell me I am pretty or beautiful or sexy and I would believe it.
I am trying to find my true self as well as let my voice be heard during this divorce and after it is final but I am having a hard time doing so when I find people I enjoy being around and then I get hurt in the process or insulted.
I am half tempted to just live out of my car and stay away from people for a while. Maybe that will help me focus on myself more.
I hate this feeling of uncertainty.

Thursday, January 19, 2012


We all lie. We are all humans. Anyone who says they have never lied or don't lie is just lying. But what I don't understand is why is it so hard to tell the truth? I can understand if you are protecting someone and it isn't your right to tell the other person anything so you lie about it, that is one good reason to lie (at least in my opinion). When you are no longer with someone you were with for a very long time and you start seeing someone else, shouldn't the other person have a right to know? I am not even divorced and I found out that my husband is dating someone else. I HAVE PROOF! He denies it and changes the subject each time it is brought up. How hard is it to just say "hey, you know what, I don't love you and never really truly loved you and yes, we aren't divorced yet but I have moved on". Okay, maybe not like THAT but is it really that hard? Why make me find out from friends and the internet? Why not just tell me even after seeing the proof that you are dating someone. Someone doesn't say "so and so is a lot better than anyone I've ever dated" or "yes you can say that" when asked if so and so is your boyfriend/girlfriend if you aren't even dating or together. Friends are one thing but friends don't say they are dating or boyfriend/girlfriend. This whole situation just makes me more angry because him being around some other girl was the reason I left him in the first place. I* just don't get it. I don't care if anyone judges me for putting my "dirty laundry" out to air online but this is my blog and these are my thoughts and if you don't want to read it 1) don't follow me or 2) stop reading! Simple as that.
I am still young (not even 30) and going through my first divorce with a child involved and I need to get things out in the open. I can't keep quiet about it and one thing I will not keep quiet about or stand by and watch happen is a man cheating on his wife. At least have the balls to tell her that you are with someone else. NOT THAT HARD.

Sunday, January 1, 2012


Hello 2012 Goodbye 2011.

I am hoping all you loyal readers had a safe yet fun New Years Eve and are starting out 2012 on a good note.
2011 wasn't my most favorite year. It started off.terrible with my husband thought it may be a good idea to just set a date to end our marriage since we has already had a rocky 5 years of marriage. Then 2 months later he announced to me he was already emotionally preparing himself for a divorce. Therefore, as you can only imagine, the rest of the year was just snowballing downhill from there. We filed for divorce in late November and will be divorced come later this month. Not a "great" way to start the new year but definitely a stress free and less emotional way to start. I believe I had put up with it for so long, I have been completely broken. Im slowly regaining my composure, my self-esteem and my positivity back. It will definitely take some time but with the great friends and family I have now, all my pieces will be put back together in a shorter amount of time than I foresee!
2012 will be the year of a new me. A fresh clean slate. New memories and better memories. I will be documenting these memories by attempting to do, yet again, the 365 project. If you haven't heard of this project, it's where you take a photo each day for the entire year.
Im not one that likes to make resolutions because I, like many, fail to keep them. This year Im more or less making propositions. Included in those are: to get my own place by May so my son can move in, maintain my weight yet tone up a few areas, make time for some roadtrips with my son and to stay positive in the hard to handle times.
I hope I keep all of you as readers and hopefully gain a few more!