Monday, November 28, 2011

Almost A Week In

It's only been 6 days since filing for divorce. The time is going by so slow. The first 2-3 months after we filled out the papers went by so fast yet when you file them, it's like time stands still. I guess that's so you can decide if you for sure want to go through with it. Trust me, if you lived my life the past 6 yrs (of marriage alone), you too would be anxious to get it over with and move on with your life. I get the fact he will always be in my life because we have a child together and around that child we should be civil but he just makes my blood boil sometimes.
In the past 6 days, I've been out of work and taking lots of meds for this tooth abcess. I need to get in touch with a ddentist as well as file Medicaid and food stamps.
I am technically supposed to get paid this coming Friday but have only filled out a job application as well as I9 paperwork. I have yet to fill out my W4 which means I can't get paid til that is filled out. On top of all that craziness, Im only getting minimum wage at this job after being told it's based on experience and that I was "over experienced". Also I was gonna work 2 jobs but this one told me I would get definitely more than 20 hrs of work close to full time but in 2 weeks I've only worked 12 hours.
Living on my own sucks, it can be frustrating and sometimes boring. Im ready to start a new life....not just stand here in the middle.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving

Im hoping all you wonderful readers had a fabulous Thanksgiving!!! Mine wasn't all that bad....not many complaints.
Wednesday evening, I was admitted to the ER due to my lower left jaw being severely swollen from a tooth abcess. While I am on the topic of Thanksgiving, I will say here Im thankful my husband showed up to sit with me. He knows how much I do not like hospitals. Anyways, the ER did not give me any kind of pain shot or antibiotic drip. So after only 20 min (or less), I.was discharged with a prescription for pain pills and antibiotics. I no longer have insurance so I was not able to afford the medicine.
Thanksgiving morning, my mom informed me she was paying for my meds and I was and am very thankful and appreciative of her for doing that. My jaw was actually worse that morning than it was the night before in the ER.
Throughout the day, I ended up eating 7 helpings of turkey, 3 helpings of mashed potatoes, 2 helpings of cranberries and a piece of pie. That is the most I've ate in quite some time. After all that my parents informed me the swelling looks to have gone down but to me I couldn't tell.
Today, lil man goes back home to his daddy. I am not sure what all I've posted here but I am no longer living at home. I am thankful I was able to have my baby for the last 3-4 days. I will miss him like crazy.
Due to all the swelling, pain and infection Im dealing with, I am not working until Monday or Tuesday. I have a work note from hospital saying I need to have some time off. I also have a friend that will try to get me a cashier job about 12 hours a week (weekend most likely) working at their company. I need some more hours and more pay.
Again, I hope you all had a great holiday and have lots to be thankful for.

Nephew and my lil man being silly 

A little Thanksgiving sillyness

My lil man with his uncle (my baby brother)

My first plate out of many

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Stressed yet Relaxed

Im excited to share that in 59 days, I will be a single woman and away from the stressful situation I was in. We signed and filed papers yesterday.
This past Saturday, I started my first day of a new job. It was "work" but not that stressful. Actually it was quite relaxing. It kept my mind occupied.
I was missing my lil man like crazy and yet at the same time I was dealing with a husband who was attempting to keep my son from me. Apparently, he is meeting with a lawyer and getting information from him. He needed an address where I was staying since I moved out and my son would be staying. But out of respect for the people Im staying with, I wouldn't give an address. Therefore, he was trying to tell me I couldn't have him this holiday weekend.
After much debate, we agreed lil guy will sleep over at my mom's place but Id of course have him with me all day. Even that caused a debate.
On top of all this, Im still dealing with a swollen and painful jaw/abcess that will not seem to go any. Dental schools won't take me since my case is too severe for students and I no longer have insurance. This all sucks.
But I am, in the end, thankful for my main family as well as my 2nd "family" who has taken me in. They are all so great and even though I may not be able to each for Thanksgiving, I will be glad to just be around such wonderful people and have such a great support system through this trying time.

Friday, November 18, 2011

A Change In My Life

My life really changed the moment I moved in with my husband. It changed again when I married him. Then yet again when a little boy was placed in my arms at 12:50am on August 10, 2006.
Today, my life is changing yet again. I am removing myself from a very stressful situation and going to start living my life the way it needs to be lived. Relaxed yet busy and with people who truly respect and care about me. I am removing myself from a home where I feel I am put down and insulted daily. I am removing myself from a home where I do not feel loved. It truly hurts because I am removing myself from a home where my son is.
I am not going to be concerned if I can live on my own because I have a big support system of friends and family who can help in any way possible even if it is to just offer a hug. Trust me, sometimes that is all I need. I am more concerned with my son's emotional being. How is he going to take all this?
I am supposed to start a job come Monday for Clothes Mentor, a women's resale clothing store but tomorrow I start a job at Wet Seal . It will be a brand new store at a local mall so I am very excited for that. I love their clothing. I know where a few of my paychecks are going to go! Ha! Hopefully, I can work there and at least another good paying place as well but for now I think I'm just going to stick to working there for right now and keep looking for a well paying job with full time hours.

I have a list of songs as of right now to say what I am going through or how I feel.

Stronger-Sara Evans
Give it Away-George Strait
He Ain't Worth Missing-Toby Keith
Going Through The Big D-Mark Chestnutt
All I Want-Darius Rucker
Leave The Pieces-The Wreckers
Trouble-Cold Play
Tattoo-Jordin Sparks
Black-Pearl Jam

Those are the select few on my brain right now.

Today, my life changes, yet again.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Happiness, where is it?

Back in January, I wrote a journal entry in my private journal about a Biggest Loser episode I saw. Jillian, the trainer, asked one of the contestants, "Have you ever truly reached for anything?" At that moment in time, I stopped to reflect on my own life. It was like she was asking me that question. What have I ever reached for? What have I truly reached for? In the end, all I can think of is nothing. What do I want to reach for? Happiness. Something every human being wants in life.

There have been moments in the past 7 years where I, among others, thought I was happy. To be honest, now that I think about it, I think it was just a front, a show, just to hide the underlying emptiness I felt.

I was happy the day I got engaged but then, at the same moment, I felt very empty. Every girl dreams of a romantic proposal as well as a beautiful lavish wedding. All I got was a "so do you?" in a hotel bed when I got asked to marry him.

I was happy the day I got married but, that same day, I felt empty. My biological father dropped a big bombshell less than 12 hours before my wedding so he never showed up. Then there was all the guilt that my mother wasn't there because of my stupid choices.

I was happy the day my son was but I was left alone after he was born. I was also left during the labor process. My husband decided to go to lunch with one of his "girl" friends while I was in labor and then leave for hours on end after our son was born to check on the dogs and "get some rest". My son was in the nursery while I was left alone feeling very empty inside a labor and delivery room.

There has been a void in my life for the last 7 years. I am missing happiness. I want to be happy. Why does happiness seem so far out of reach for me?

Back in January, my husband had informed me that he was already emotionally prepared for a divorce. So, maybe that is why 9 months later, he told me he wasn't in love with me and hadn't been for a while.

A month later, he told told me he wanted to set a date to "end our marriage". If our issues weren't worked out by that date, we should call it quits. If I didn't feel empty at that point, I guess I do now. All I ever asked was some respect, trust, understanding, love, honesty, help, affection, attention and of course happiness.

Happiness, where is it???

New Transition In Life

Thursday, I went into "town" to interview mid afternoon for a clothing resale shop called Clothes Mentor and after interviewing with (I'm assuming) the Assistant Manager and both the owners, I was told to do a "fashion" test. It is pretty much where they give me a basket/box of clothes that are (or should be) 2 years old or newer and told me to say yes or no to the ones I pull out. No, to the ones are old, dingy, ripped, stained, too small or just not in style. And yes....well to obviously all the ones NOT listed! And they said I did pretty well but they still wanted to "noodle" over the thought of hiring me. So, I left to carry on with my day when I received a call a few minutes later asking me to go to the mall nearby to do a 2nd interview with Auntie Anne's pretzels. I went there about an hour later (if that) and filled out a W4 along with new hire paperwork but I am still waiting to hear back from corporate on my background check to see if I am actually truly hired. I also received a call from Clothes Mentor saying they wanted to bring me on board and make me an offer. I called the clothing store back later in the evening and got the offer. I was supposed to call them back today to say yes or no to the offer but I have been in pain all day and I was hoping to hear back from Auntie Annes. Either way, I calculated it and gave an "average" hourly rate a week and I will end up with pretty much the same pay each month, if not pretty darned close, if I worked either or both jobs.

Thursday evening, on the way home, I found a lump on my lower left jaw. It has been swollen pretty much all day. Before I got in bed, I noticed it was an abcess that was under my gumline. Blah. Not good. I also have one on my upper right gum line but that one comes and goes and isn't as bad. I am not insured anymore so I called the dentist today to get information on that and usually without insurance an exam and xrays are $125 but they are willing to give those to me at $80 BUT first I have to finish ALL my antibiotics before they can see me in their office. So, until then, I am popping Ibprofen for the inflammation and antibiotics for the infection and eating anything that requires NO chewing.

So tomorrow, like I said, I am going to call the clothing store and see if the offer is still available and take it if it is. If it is, I will be moving closer to the job and in with a friend until I am able to move out on my own into my own place. It will definitely be a new experience being a "single parent" out on my own but I will make it work. I will have my friends and family there to support me.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Who Ruined My High? Oh did!

The stomach bug is plaguing our home yet again. This time, it has hit my step son. He seems to be doing much better now or as he says "getting there" but I feel for him, I do because I was just there not long ago.

I had an interview with Auntie Anne's this afternoon and was BY FAR excited afterwards because even though I was thinking about saying the right things and not fidgeting, etc, I was really thinking about my son and supporting him IF I got the job. I answered the questions the way the district manager had "hoped" I would respond and was pleased with my personality and smile. "I don't care who has experience or not, I can train you to work but I can't train you to smile!" He said he would call me back today or tomorrow to let me know whether or not I got the job. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed I hear back from him. I'm really excited, I really am. I told him even though it is not my ideal job, I am doing it for my son and myself for us to live. He responded by saying he loved the drive I had. Again, I was beyond excited, I pretty much Facebooking and texting everyone about it.

I come home to 2 of the 3 dogs eating off hub's plate of food on the coffee table. Mistake 1: laying your plate on the coffee table in reach of the dogs. Mistake 2: Leaving the room. Mistake 3: Cursing that you will kill both the dogs. Mistake 4: Grabbing one of the dogs by his neck and THROWING him half way across the yard but in turn you got bit on the inner wrist so you got your pay back. Mistake 5: Blaming it ALL on only one dog thinking I think of her as a saint when in fact TWO dogs did it and I have seen the 3rd dog do it as well.

While in that argument, we went back to the argument of WHY we are getting divorced and the entire situation and he insisted that I have "never felt hurt as bad as he has". Ummm, the last 4 months I have done nothing but lied to, insulted, put down and hurt. So, yes, I have been hurt in many ways by many people but at this moment in time, I have never been hurt THIS bad. Then he proceeded to tell me I need to change or else I will be standing in a similar situation the same way I am now possibly 10 years from now. THEN told me that I need to live my life and stop letting others tell me how to live it.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Hurt by Lies

I decided to no longer do the 30 days of Thanks. Although it may lift my spirits a bit, I am not in a position to have thanks right now....or am I?

I have been very hurt and lied to this past weekend and I am down in the dumps and in a funk.