Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Christmas was a blast with my lil guy. He got 3 Christmas' pretty much. One with his dad, my parents and then myself with a few friends. He is a very spoiled and loved like man! He has, though, been taking advantage of the situation, I believe because he has not been listening to me and he has been acting out.
It gets very tough at times because even in a crowded room I can feel like I am all alone. I have a handful, right now, that are being a great help and I appreciate everything they do. But even on good days, I feel like I am burdening them with having to "help" take care if my son. They definitely don't see it that way but my brain acts differently.
Growing up for me, I wouldn't necessarily say, was rough but it definitely wasn't ideal. I was punished several times in a way I would never in my right mind punish my child(ren) for things I never did. Also I felt that some siblings got more attention than myself but with 4 kids, sometimes it's hard to equal out the attention. I was always the independent one. The one that "could do it all the right way"....as a lot of family members and family friends would comment. I applaud my mother for having the strength and agility to handle work, school and 4 kids as well as raising, full time and temporarily, 2 grandkids. There are some things, though, that I do not agree with that she has said or done but those are my opinions that I will keep to myself. I just feel sometimes that my child is a burden on her as well as anyone else we come in contact with.
I was told yesterday by a beautiful and wonderful soul that parenting is definitely not easy and that they enjoy being around my son. That if I ever need any help, to just ask and they will be glad to help out especially if I need a moment to myself.
That is another weakness of mine. Because I did pretty much everything on my own growing up as well as in the past several years, I find it very difficult to ask for any kind of help. To me, for me, that shows I am weak and cannot do it on my own. Many will and would disagree and will say it shows strength when you ask for help. Eventually, with being a single parent now, it will become easier to ask for help but right now I have to learn to do that in my own time. Even when my son doesn't listen and a friend or family member get onto him because he won't listen to what I am saying, I feel very embarrassed because I feel it is my responsibility as his mother to discipline him and no one else's. It makes me feel less of a mother when that happens. I was degraded and put down many times in the past 5 years as a mother of either how I am not doing a good enough job, being too mean/harsh, or just not ready to be a parent...all by someone who should have been my partner and should have been by my side and helping me along the way. I had put up with that for so long, that that is all I know. I have to learn to let it all go and forget all.l that negativity and move on, but again that will come with time. My OWN time.
Also, I feel like at times, I have a right to be selfish because I have been selfless for many years if not most my life. When I want some time to myself, I believe I deserve to have that time. I do not appreciate anyone assuming or saying that while I have my son Im being selfish with things I've done or said. Trust me, Im the last person on my mind when I have possession of my son. Every mother deserves time to themselves to be pampered, read a book, soak in a hot bath, or just go out with the girls for some fun. I am doing all I can in my power to save up enough money to get my own place so that way I can my son full time. I've already spoke to legal aid today and have an appointment in late January. It may not help me any because my divorce is or should be final January 23rd but it will help in the fact that I will get information on how to go about a non-ugly easy custody situation.
With all this said, no one said anything or everything would be easy....especially as a single parent.
Friday, December 9, 2011
My mother had a birthday the 29th of November and even though I wasn't able to celebrate it all with her, I was able to join the family for some very delicious chocolate cake. I was busy during the day filling out new hire paperwork for a job I start tomorrow. As far as I know it's just a Saturday and Sunday (weekend part time) job so I will definitely have to find something to do Monday-Friday. It gets lonely and a tad boring here all day during the week with nothing to do. I also spent some of the day at HOME HOME (where I lived a few weeks ago before filing divorce papers) to get more of my stuff.
This was when all my dentist visits started. I went that morning to find out nothing new. I ended up going a week ago, exactly, to have a very badly infected abcess drained. This past Wednesday, I went and had the tooth pulled. Sucks not having a tooth there but it will take time getting used to that.
Give it, I am much happier without being in that situation but everyday my heart aches to have my son. I want him with me everyday. I may not cry or sulk but on the inside my heart breaks. I was able to do some Christmas shopping (with the help of some friends) the past few days and I really hope he enjoys his gifts. I can't wait to see him open them! I will be going HOME again Christmas Eve evening to stay with my son as well as Christmas morning to watch him open gifts.
I was able to have my son for my birthday. I enjoyed that very much. I took him to Bass Pro to see Santa which he very much enjoyed. He also got to visit with his uncle whom he loves dearly. I unfortunately had to take him back to his dad mid afternoon on my birthday because he needed a bath and had school the next day. He was so sad to leave. So much he cried in his Papa's arms. That breaks my heart.
Im hoping to get him for at least 4 days next week as well as 4-5 days after Christmas. I need to find a week job that can help me save up for my own place. I want out of here the sooner the better so I can start trying to get my son full time.
Monday, November 28, 2011
It's only been 6 days since filing for divorce. The time is going by so slow. The first 2-3 months after we filled out the papers went by so fast yet when you file them, it's like time stands still. I guess that's so you can decide if you for sure want to go through with it. Trust me, if you lived my life the past 6 yrs (of marriage alone), you too would be anxious to get it over with and move on with your life. I get the fact he will always be in my life because we have a child together and around that child we should be civil but he just makes my blood boil sometimes.
In the past 6 days, I've been out of work and taking lots of meds for this tooth abcess. I need to get in touch with a ddentist as well as file Medicaid and food stamps.
I am technically supposed to get paid this coming Friday but have only filled out a job application as well as I9 paperwork. I have yet to fill out my W4 which means I can't get paid til that is filled out. On top of all that craziness, Im only getting minimum wage at this job after being told it's based on experience and that I was "over experienced". Also I was gonna work 2 jobs but this one told me I would get definitely more than 20 hrs of work close to full time but in 2 weeks I've only worked 12 hours.
Living on my own sucks, it can be frustrating and sometimes boring. Im ready to start a new life....not just stand here in the middle.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Wednesday evening, I was admitted to the ER due to my lower left jaw being severely swollen from a tooth abcess. While I am on the topic of Thanksgiving, I will say here Im thankful my husband showed up to sit with me. He knows how much I do not like hospitals. Anyways, the ER did not give me any kind of pain shot or antibiotic drip. So after only 20 min (or less), I.was discharged with a prescription for pain pills and antibiotics. I no longer have insurance so I was not able to afford the medicine.
Thanksgiving morning, my mom informed me she was paying for my meds and I was and am very thankful and appreciative of her for doing that. My jaw was actually worse that morning than it was the night before in the ER.
Throughout the day, I ended up eating 7 helpings of turkey, 3 helpings of mashed potatoes, 2 helpings of cranberries and a piece of pie. That is the most I've ate in quite some time. After all that my parents informed me the swelling looks to have gone down but to me I couldn't tell.
Today, lil man goes back home to his daddy. I am not sure what all I've posted here but I am no longer living at home. I am thankful I was able to have my baby for the last 3-4 days. I will miss him like crazy.
Due to all the swelling, pain and infection Im dealing with, I am not working until Monday or Tuesday. I have a work note from hospital saying I need to have some time off. I also have a friend that will try to get me a cashier job about 12 hours a week (weekend most likely) working at their company. I need some more hours and more pay.
Again, I hope you all had a great holiday and have lots to be thankful for.
|Nephew and my lil man being silly|
|A little Thanksgiving sillyness|
|My lil man with his uncle (my baby brother)|
|My first plate out of many|
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
This past Saturday, I started my first day of a new job. It was "work" but not that stressful. Actually it was quite relaxing. It kept my mind occupied.
I was missing my lil man like crazy and yet at the same time I was dealing with a husband who was attempting to keep my son from me. Apparently, he is meeting with a lawyer and getting information from him. He needed an address where I was staying since I moved out and my son would be staying. But out of respect for the people Im staying with, I wouldn't give an address. Therefore, he was trying to tell me I couldn't have him this holiday weekend.
After much debate, we agreed lil guy will sleep over at my mom's place but Id of course have him with me all day. Even that caused a debate.
On top of all this, Im still dealing with a swollen and painful jaw/abcess that will not seem to go any. Dental schools won't take me since my case is too severe for students and I no longer have insurance. This all sucks.
But I am, in the end, thankful for my main family as well as my 2nd "family" who has taken me in. They are all so great and even though I may not be able to each for Thanksgiving, I will be glad to just be around such wonderful people and have such a great support system through this trying time.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Today, my life is changing yet again. I am removing myself from a very stressful situation and going to start living my life the way it needs to be lived. Relaxed yet busy and with people who truly respect and care about me. I am removing myself from a home where I feel I am put down and insulted daily. I am removing myself from a home where I do not feel loved. It truly hurts because I am removing myself from a home where my son is.
I am not going to be concerned if I can live on my own because I have a big support system of friends and family who can help in any way possible even if it is to just offer a hug. Trust me, sometimes that is all I need. I am more concerned with my son's emotional being. How is he going to take all this?
I am supposed to start a job come Monday for Clothes Mentor, a women's resale clothing store but tomorrow I start a job at Wet Seal . It will be a brand new store at a local mall so I am very excited for that. I love their clothing. I know where a few of my paychecks are going to go! Ha! Hopefully, I can work there and at least another good paying place as well but for now I think I'm just going to stick to working there for right now and keep looking for a well paying job with full time hours.
I have a list of songs as of right now to say what I am going through or how I feel.
Give it Away-George Strait
He Ain't Worth Missing-Toby Keith
Going Through The Big D-Mark Chestnutt
All I Want-Darius Rucker
Leave The Pieces-The Wreckers
Those are the select few on my brain right now.
Today, my life changes, yet again.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
There have been moments in the past 7 years where I, among others, thought I was happy. To be honest, now that I think about it, I think it was just a front, a show, just to hide the underlying emptiness I felt.
I was happy the day I got engaged but then, at the same moment, I felt very empty. Every girl dreams of a romantic proposal as well as a beautiful lavish wedding. All I got was a "so do you?" in a hotel bed when I got asked to marry him.
I was happy the day I got married but, that same day, I felt empty. My biological father dropped a big bombshell less than 12 hours before my wedding so he never showed up. Then there was all the guilt that my mother wasn't there because of my stupid choices.
I was happy the day my son was but I was left alone after he was born. I was also left during the labor process. My husband decided to go to lunch with one of his "girl" friends while I was in labor and then leave for hours on end after our son was born to check on the dogs and "get some rest". My son was in the nursery while I was left alone feeling very empty inside a labor and delivery room.
There has been a void in my life for the last 7 years. I am missing happiness. I want to be happy. Why does happiness seem so far out of reach for me?
Back in January, my husband had informed me that he was already emotionally prepared for a divorce. So, maybe that is why 9 months later, he told me he wasn't in love with me and hadn't been for a while.
A month later, he told told me he wanted to set a date to "end our marriage". If our issues weren't worked out by that date, we should call it quits. If I didn't feel empty at that point, I guess I do now. All I ever asked was some respect, trust, understanding, love, honesty, help, affection, attention and of course happiness.
Happiness, where is it???
Thursday evening, on the way home, I found a lump on my lower left jaw. It has been swollen pretty much all day. Before I got in bed, I noticed it was an abcess that was under my gumline. Blah. Not good. I also have one on my upper right gum line but that one comes and goes and isn't as bad. I am not insured anymore so I called the dentist today to get information on that and usually without insurance an exam and xrays are $125 but they are willing to give those to me at $80 BUT first I have to finish ALL my antibiotics before they can see me in their office. So, until then, I am popping Ibprofen for the inflammation and antibiotics for the infection and eating anything that requires NO chewing.
So tomorrow, like I said, I am going to call the clothing store and see if the offer is still available and take it if it is. If it is, I will be moving closer to the job and in with a friend until I am able to move out on my own into my own place. It will definitely be a new experience being a "single parent" out on my own but I will make it work. I will have my friends and family there to support me.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
I had an interview with Auntie Anne's this afternoon and was BY FAR excited afterwards because even though I was thinking about saying the right things and not fidgeting, etc, I was really thinking about my son and supporting him IF I got the job. I answered the questions the way the district manager had "hoped" I would respond and was pleased with my personality and smile. "I don't care who has experience or not, I can train you to work but I can't train you to smile!" He said he would call me back today or tomorrow to let me know whether or not I got the job. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed I hear back from him. I'm really excited, I really am. I told him even though it is not my ideal job, I am doing it for my son and myself for us to live. He responded by saying he loved the drive I had. Again, I was beyond excited, I pretty much Facebooking and texting everyone about it.
I come home to 2 of the 3 dogs eating off hub's plate of food on the coffee table. Mistake 1: laying your plate on the coffee table in reach of the dogs. Mistake 2: Leaving the room. Mistake 3: Cursing that you will kill both the dogs. Mistake 4: Grabbing one of the dogs by his neck and THROWING him half way across the yard but in turn you got bit on the inner wrist so you got your pay back. Mistake 5: Blaming it ALL on only one dog thinking I think of her as a saint when in fact TWO dogs did it and I have seen the 3rd dog do it as well.
While in that argument, we went back to the argument of WHY we are getting divorced and the entire situation and he insisted that I have "never felt hurt as bad as he has". Ummm, the last 4 months I have done nothing but lied to, insulted, put down and hurt. So, yes, I have been hurt in many ways by many people but at this moment in time, I have never been hurt THIS bad. Then he proceeded to tell me I need to change or else I will be standing in a similar situation the same way I am now possibly 10 years from now. THEN told me that I need to live my life and stop letting others tell me how to live it.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Rangers lost to the Cardinals and my high school alumni Fighting Farmers lost their rival game, YET AGAIN. Grrrr.
So since the ending of the 30 day challenge, I have been what seems like crazy busy.
I went to Waco for a camp meeting and still need to get my resume and reference letters turned in for that. On top of all that, I am trying to plan some free photo sessions so I can get some "teens" on my portfolio as well as planning out mini sessions for the month of November. Along with all that, I have been trying to interview and get a job with Glamour Shots portrait studio. Still waiting to hear from them if I have the job or not.
Last night, I took my 5 yr old to my alumni rival game "Battle of the Axe"
Our mascot "Fighting Farmer: Big John"
The Football players
(Taken from my friend's Facebook) Waiting for our team to run through the sign
"The Band that Marches with Pride" (Our high school band)
Either way, it has been busy and tonight I am attending a Halloween Party with some friends and then Halloween is Monday so I will be taking the kiddos out for that. Then November starts. Where has this year gone?
Friday, October 21, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
I have learned a bit more about myself than what I already knew, how to express myself is just one way but another is NOT being afraid of expressing myself. I have learned that being myself is not a bad thing, that we are all individuals and that is what makes me different. I have learned that there are people out there that do care and want to help so I have learned to open up to them and share what I am feeling and accept their help.
More things I have learned are ways to make myself happy. Whether that be taking a really hot long shower, going out for drinks with the girls, pinning on Pinterest, reading a book, playing Solitaire or Tetris on my phone in a quiet room, or just watching a movie on Netflix. I have learned that *I* have to be happy to.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
The photos posted below were all taken with my cell phone so excuse the not so great quality.
|Bumblebee showed up to the fair...he even had his Autobot Logo on the tires and the side|