Saturday, November 12, 2011

Happiness, where is it?

Back in January, I wrote a journal entry in my private journal about a Biggest Loser episode I saw. Jillian, the trainer, asked one of the contestants, "Have you ever truly reached for anything?" At that moment in time, I stopped to reflect on my own life. It was like she was asking me that question. What have I ever reached for? What have I truly reached for? In the end, all I can think of is nothing. What do I want to reach for? Happiness. Something every human being wants in life.

There have been moments in the past 7 years where I, among others, thought I was happy. To be honest, now that I think about it, I think it was just a front, a show, just to hide the underlying emptiness I felt.

I was happy the day I got engaged but then, at the same moment, I felt very empty. Every girl dreams of a romantic proposal as well as a beautiful lavish wedding. All I got was a "so do you?" in a hotel bed when I got asked to marry him.

I was happy the day I got married but, that same day, I felt empty. My biological father dropped a big bombshell less than 12 hours before my wedding so he never showed up. Then there was all the guilt that my mother wasn't there because of my stupid choices.

I was happy the day my son was but I was left alone after he was born. I was also left during the labor process. My husband decided to go to lunch with one of his "girl" friends while I was in labor and then leave for hours on end after our son was born to check on the dogs and "get some rest". My son was in the nursery while I was left alone feeling very empty inside a labor and delivery room.

There has been a void in my life for the last 7 years. I am missing happiness. I want to be happy. Why does happiness seem so far out of reach for me?

Back in January, my husband had informed me that he was already emotionally prepared for a divorce. So, maybe that is why 9 months later, he told me he wasn't in love with me and hadn't been for a while.

A month later, he told told me he wanted to set a date to "end our marriage". If our issues weren't worked out by that date, we should call it quits. If I didn't feel empty at that point, I guess I do now. All I ever asked was some respect, trust, understanding, love, honesty, help, affection, attention and of course happiness.

Happiness, where is it???

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