Friday, January 27, 2012

Unsure Of Myself

I thought, lately, my life was heading down the right path. I have a decent part time job...yes hours suck as it is only on the weekends which gives me NOTHING to do during the week to fill that void but I can't complain really as most would complain they are working too much. Guess the only real complaint would be that I am not making enough money to scrape by as a divorced mother. (well not divorced yet, but that is another topic). I also was about to get an apartment that I can share with my lil man and give him some stability in these rocky confusing times (for him).
I went to bed sick to my stomach and woke up with a headache bigger than the Mt Rushmore carvings. I think stress is creeping up on me again and I do not like it.
I also do not like thinking I am something to turn out to be nothing. I understand guys (and some gals) will look at porn here and there as that is a very natural thing to do. What I don't understand is why do they do it when they KNOW they have something better and prettier and less fake than all that?? Want more adventures in the bedroom?? Fine, just ask and maybe do some research together. Want more role play? Fine, just ask and go buy some costumes! Want something other than the norm? It is not that hard to ask a person. I understand if you are shy about it but your partner will never know unless you ask them. I was with a man for going on 8 years who I call a porn/sex addict. He was always at strip clubs, watching porn dvds, porn online, looking at pictures on the computer and saving them to his desktop or phone as well as even ordering the Playboy channel on cable tv. It is a no wonder our sex life was barely there. I felt I couldn't compare to those girls nor what they could "provide" in the bedroom. I felt I was no longer attractive and that is why he was doing that. At one point, during the peak of our sex life, he told me he was going to strip clubs because he wasn't getting enough sex. So watching girls dance naked/half naked around a pole to techno music gives you that satisfied feeling that you just had sex? Sure, makes a lot of sense....not sure why I never saw that before *sarcasm* Therefore, I do not want to be with anyone who is going to be like that. I already have self esteem issues let alone adding that on top of it just makes it worse.
So I ask myself just how pretty are you? How confident are you? How attractive do you seem? At this moment, I THOUGHT I was close to an 8 but now I feel like a 2 on the attractiveness scale. At this moment, I don't feel like any man can tell me I am pretty or beautiful or sexy and I would believe it.
I am trying to find my true self as well as let my voice be heard during this divorce and after it is final but I am having a hard time doing so when I find people I enjoy being around and then I get hurt in the process or insulted.
I am half tempted to just live out of my car and stay away from people for a while. Maybe that will help me focus on myself more.
I hate this feeling of uncertainty.

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