Tuesday, February 21, 2012

You Can't Change Them

You can only change yourself. Over the past 2 weeks, I have had time to reflect on my divorce and my life before divorce. Many words were said that cannot be taken back. Many questions were asked and not many answers were given.
If you are treated unfairly or "like crap" (as many refer to it), then why do you still care about the person or what they are doing in their life? Not an easy question to answer, is it?
I was given the opportunity to give some advice to a friend of mine this past weekend...okay I more or less just gave them the advice without them asking for it but it seemed fitting at the time.
At times, in the past 8 years, I was treated like a child, a slave at others and a nanny at most. I wanted to be treated for who I was. A girl who loves being goofy, having fun, being spontaneous and just lounging around being lazy. That is who I am. Yes, I like to clean but it makes me feel dirty when everything else is dirty. I love being around my son but I do not want to feel like I am babysitting him because the other parent has other things on their agenda.
The answer to the question "why do you still care" is definitely not an easy one to answer, especially to the person's face. The reason I care is because I love him. I loved my ex husband when we first met, I loved him when I moved in with him and I loved him through all the fights, the drama and the almost-3 or 4-divorces. I loved him because not only was....is he the father of my child but because he stood by my side through a lot of drama and turmoil in my life. He showed me who I really was in life and who I truly wanted to be with.
I love him because, to me, that is the norm. I am not used to going on dates. I am not used to saying "I love you" to any other guy. I am not used to holding hand with anyone but my son and my ex husband. And I sure as heck aren't used to sleeping or cuddling with any other guy. Time will change that, I know it will.
Change sucks but it brings new things in life. It brings out your true dreams, goals, aspirations as well personality and thoughts.
I will not say that I took my ex husband for granted nor ever appreciated him because I appreciated every little thing he did for me. I may have hated holding that flashlight while he worked under the hood of the car or on a boat engine but I watched him intently and learned some things. I may have hated to hold that ladder while he was changing a light bulb or putting up Christmas lights but it gave me a chance to look at his butt! What girl (or guy) doesn't like to do that with their significant other? I may have hated him sleeping in all those years before he went to work or on his days off but to me that gave me time to think and time to work and time to clean and definitely time NOT to fight and argue. I never truly card to get flowers on holidays, birthdays or just random occasions but to him that was his way of showing me he loved me. He may have gotten me just plain ol' gift cards and to me I may have thought that meant he didn't put any thought into getting me anything but really, he did....he thought that if he got me a gift card I could spend it on myself and get myself WHATEVER I wanted.
I may have hated him leaving his socks around the house, the dishes ABOVE the dishwasher or in the sink, his baseball caps laying all over the house and other little things he did but those were his quirks. I wake up and I don't see socks under the coffee table, hats on the couch, and dishes are IN the dishwasher or washed on a towel on the counter tops. I go about my day and I don't see or rarely talk to him or see any photos of him.
I am in a new life and sometimes it really hurts. It, in a way, makes me really miss him. Again, because that was the norm for me for 8 years. Now that he is gone, I see all this. I actually saw it all before and was, in my mind, wishing he would change because all that stuff annoyed me. BUT, that was...is who he is.
I say all this because no matter how annoying someone may be, that is who they are. Annoyances are just that....annoyances. Little quirks that make a person who they are. You don't fall in love with someone because of their looks or their personality. Those are just SOME of the reasons you fall in love. But if you were to think about it, how would you feel if one day you woke up and the person who annoyed the crap out of you for almost a decade was gone? Those annoying habits they did were gone?
Do not take things people do for granted. Appreciate all the little...or big things they do and thank them for everything they do...even annoying you...because when they are gone, you too will see all that I have been seeing and you will miss that person like crazy and get upset at whoever they are now with because you will feel only YOU should be the one to be annoyed by them.
No matter what you do, you cannot change a person. You can only change who you are.






1 comment:

Britney said...

I remember many things about my ex-boyfriends, but thankfully I am over them. I consider many of them lessons of who not to date and what not to do so I can hand that information down to my children.

You will miss many things and it will be hard, but you will get used to this new environment. Hopefully you'll eventually find someone (when you're ready) that will have great qualities! You'll still miss what's his nuts, but you'll find better! :)