Why Hide The Truth?

Lies. Everyone lies. We are all human. We make that mistake. Sometimes we lie so we don't hurt someone we care or love about deeply. Other times we lie so we don't get caught or get in trouble. Which are you? Both? It is okay if you are both because, again, we are all human. I can admit to my lies and my mistakes and in my marriage, there were several lies and several mistakes. It is a marriage! I was also lied to many times and still to this day I am being lied to.
The marriage is over. The divorce is final. Why lie? Why hide the truth?
I am told by my ex-husband (that will take a while to remember to type out because he was my husband for 6 years), "I do not have to explain myself to you nor do I need to inform you of my love life." I am not asking him to explain himself nor tell me about his love life. The thing is, when one person tells the other they are not in love with them and haven't been for a while. As well as "I will not date anyone for at least a year after the divorce" and "I will never in my life get married ever again." and is dating someone at least one month before the divorce is final...they have seemed to move on pretty quickly. Therefore sending me a message that he was never in love with me and has no problem moving on. 

To me, that hurts. That should hurt anyone. You were with the person for 8 years (ALMOST a decade) of your life and they turn around and move to the next before everything is finalized or over between you two. 

I have been asked by many lately "are you still in love with him?" To be honest (since that is what the blog post is about), no I am not. I still love him because I loved him for 8 years. I still care about what happens to him because that is just low and immature to say "oh well, we are no longer together, hope you get run over by a bus". Now give it, those words may run through my mind occasionally but I would not know what to do if something happened to my son's father. I am not in love with him though. I cannot be in love with someone who will not be up front and honest with me. When I ask a question, all I am asking for is a simple answer --- THE TRUTH. No, the truth isn't always an easy thing to say especially if you don't want to hurt the person's feelings or do not want to be "in trouble" with the person. BUT, it is a weight lifted off your shoulders when you do tell the truth.
My ex-husband gets irritated/annoyed when I call or email him and I am not happy....to say the least being a bitch. Well, that happened last night because I got a phone call and a voice mail that changed my mind set about a lot of things. I wanted to talk to him about it. He sent me a text this morning asking if I "was better". What the heck does that mean? No, I am not sick. No, I am not dying. No, I do not have cancer. So, how am I better? I asked and he said "well I was just seeing if you were okay. You were really upset last night." And dear ex husband of mine, do you know the reason I was upset? "Because of the lies," he stated. BINGO!!! Right on the nose. I straight up told him, if he were to be honest with me then I would not be upset nor would I be calling him bitching about stuff.
We are no longer married. Why hide anything? Why lie? It makes no sense....not just to me but to others who know the situation or are involved in the situation as well. 

So, the point of this is, the truth is not always easy to come out with but in the end, it will make you feel better as well as make the other happy that you are no longer lying to them. 

Unsure Of Myself

I thought, lately, my life was heading down the right path. I have a decent part time job...yes hours suck as it is only on the weekends which gives me NOTHING to do during the week to fill that void but I can't complain really as most would complain they are working too much. Guess the only real complaint would be that I am not making enough money to scrape by as a divorced mother. (well not divorced yet, but that is another topic). I also was about to get an apartment that I can share with my lil man and give him some stability in these rocky confusing times (for him).
I went to bed sick to my stomach and woke up with a headache bigger than the Mt Rushmore carvings. I think stress is creeping up on me again and I do not like it.
I also do not like thinking I am something to turn out to be nothing. I understand guys (and some gals) will look at porn here and there as that is a very natural thing to do. What I don't understand is why do they do it when they KNOW they have something better and prettier and less fake than all that?? Want more adventures in the bedroom?? Fine, just ask and maybe do some research together. Want more role play? Fine, just ask and go buy some costumes! Want something other than the norm? It is not that hard to ask a person. I understand if you are shy about it but your partner will never know unless you ask them. I was with a man for going on 8 years who I call a porn/sex addict. He was always at strip clubs, watching porn dvds, porn online, looking at pictures on the computer and saving them to his desktop or phone as well as even ordering the Playboy channel on cable tv. It is a no wonder our sex life was barely there. I felt I couldn't compare to those girls nor what they could "provide" in the bedroom. I felt I was no longer attractive and that is why he was doing that. At one point, during the peak of our sex life, he told me he was going to strip clubs because he wasn't getting enough sex. So watching girls dance naked/half naked around a pole to techno music gives you that satisfied feeling that you just had sex? Sure, makes a lot of sense....not sure why I never saw that before *sarcasm* Therefore, I do not want to be with anyone who is going to be like that. I already have self esteem issues let alone adding that on top of it just makes it worse.
So I ask myself just how pretty are you? How confident are you? How attractive do you seem? At this moment, I THOUGHT I was close to an 8 but now I feel like a 2 on the attractiveness scale. At this moment, I don't feel like any man can tell me I am pretty or beautiful or sexy and I would believe it.
I am trying to find my true self as well as let my voice be heard during this divorce and after it is final but I am having a hard time doing so when I find people I enjoy being around and then I get hurt in the process or insulted.
I am half tempted to just live out of my car and stay away from people for a while. Maybe that will help me focus on myself more.
I hate this feeling of uncertainty.

Truth

We all lie. We are all humans. Anyone who says they have never lied or don't lie is just lying. But what I don't understand is why is it so hard to tell the truth? I can understand if you are protecting someone and it isn't your right to tell the other person anything so you lie about it, that is one good reason to lie (at least in my opinion). When you are no longer with someone you were with for a very long time and you start seeing someone else, shouldn't the other person have a right to know? I am not even divorced and I found out that my husband is dating someone else. I HAVE PROOF! He denies it and changes the subject each time it is brought up. How hard is it to just say "hey, you know what, I don't love you and never really truly loved you and yes, we aren't divorced yet but I have moved on". Okay, maybe not like THAT but is it really that hard? Why make me find out from friends and the internet? Why not just tell me even after seeing the proof that you are dating someone. Someone doesn't say "so and so is a lot better than anyone I've ever dated" or "yes you can say that" when asked if so and so is your boyfriend/girlfriend if you aren't even dating or together. Friends are one thing but friends don't say they are dating or boyfriend/girlfriend. This whole situation just makes me more angry because him being around some other girl was the reason I left him in the first place. I* just don't get it. I don't care if anyone judges me for putting my "dirty laundry" out to air online but this is my blog and these are my thoughts and if you don't want to read it 1) don't follow me or 2) stop reading! Simple as that.
I am still young (not even 30) and going through my first divorce with a child involved and I need to get things out in the open. I can't keep quiet about it and one thing I will not keep quiet about or stand by and watch happen is a man cheating on his wife. At least have the balls to tell her that you are with someone else. NOT THAT HARD.

Hello....Goodbye

Hello 2012 Goodbye 2011.

I am hoping all you loyal readers had a safe yet fun New Years Eve and are starting out 2012 on a good note.
2011 wasn't my most favorite year. It started off.terrible with my husband thought it may be a good idea to just set a date to end our marriage since we has already had a rocky 5 years of marriage. Then 2 months later he announced to me he was already emotionally preparing himself for a divorce. Therefore, as you can only imagine, the rest of the year was just snowballing downhill from there. We filed for divorce in late November and will be divorced come later this month. Not a "great" way to start the new year but definitely a stress free and less emotional way to start. I believe I had put up with it for so long, I have been completely broken. Im slowly regaining my composure, my self-esteem and my positivity back. It will definitely take some time but with the great friends and family I have now, all my pieces will be put back together in a shorter amount of time than I foresee!
2012 will be the year of a new me. A fresh clean slate. New memories and better memories. I will be documenting these memories by attempting to do, yet again, the 365 project. If you haven't heard of this project, it's where you take a photo each day for the entire year.
Im not one that likes to make resolutions because I, like many, fail to keep them. This year Im more or less making propositions. Included in those are: to get my own place by May so my son can move in, maintain my weight yet tone up a few areas, make time for some roadtrips with my son and to stay positive in the hard to handle times.
I hope I keep all of you as readers and hopefully gain a few more!

Santa Was Good To Him

Santa checked his list and said this lil man was good all year round because Santa delivered to 3 different houses for him.

They Never Said It Would Be Easy

Christmas was a blast with my lil guy. He got 3 Christmas' pretty much. One with his dad, my parents and then myself with a few friends. He is a very spoiled and loved like man! He has, though, been taking advantage of the situation, I believe because he has not been listening to me and he has been acting out.
It gets very tough at times because even in a crowded room I can feel like I am all alone. I have a handful, right now, that are being a great help and I appreciate everything they do. But even on good days, I feel like I am burdening them with having to "help" take care if my son. They definitely don't see it that way but my brain acts differently.
Growing up for me, I wouldn't necessarily say, was rough but it definitely wasn't ideal. I was punished several times in a way I would never in my right mind punish my child(ren) for things I never did. Also I felt that some siblings got more attention than myself but with 4 kids, sometimes it's hard to equal out the attention. I was always the independent one. The one that "could do it all the right way"....as a lot of family members and family friends would comment. I applaud my mother for having the strength and agility to handle work, school and 4 kids as well as raising, full time and temporarily, 2 grandkids. There are some things, though, that I do not agree with that she has said or done but those are my opinions that I will keep to myself. I just feel sometimes that my child is a burden on her as well as anyone else we come in contact with.
I was told yesterday by a beautiful and wonderful soul that parenting is definitely not easy and that they enjoy being around my son. That if I ever need any help, to just ask and they will be glad to help out especially if I need a moment to myself.
That is another weakness of mine. Because I did pretty much everything on my own growing up as well as in the past several years, I find it very difficult to ask for any kind of help. To me, for me, that shows I am weak and cannot do it on my own. Many will and would disagree and will say it shows strength when you ask for help. Eventually, with being a single parent now, it will become easier to ask for help but right now I have to learn to do that in my own time. Even when my son doesn't listen and a friend or family member get onto him because he won't listen to what I am saying, I feel very embarrassed because I feel it is my responsibility as his mother to discipline him and no one else's. It makes me feel less of a mother when that happens. I was degraded and put down many times in the past 5 years as a mother of either how I am not doing a good enough job, being too mean/harsh, or just not ready to be a parent...all by someone who should have been my partner and should have been by my side and helping me along the way. I had put up with that for so long, that that is all I know. I have to learn to let it all go and forget all.l that negativity and move on, but again that will come with time. My OWN time.
Also, I feel like at times, I have a right to be selfish because I have been selfless for many years if not most my life. When I want some time to myself, I believe I deserve to have that time. I do not appreciate anyone assuming or saying that while I have my son Im being selfish with things I've done or said. Trust me, Im the last person on my mind when I have possession of my son. Every mother deserves time to themselves to be pampered, read a book, soak in a hot bath, or just go out with the girls for some fun. I am doing all I can in my power to save up enough money to get my own place so that way I can my son full time. I've already spoke to legal aid today and have an appointment in late January. It may not help me any because my divorce is or should be final January 23rd but it will help in the fact that I will get information on how to go about a non-ugly easy custody situation.
With all this said, no one said anything or everything would be easy....especially as a single parent.

Birthday Wishes

Wow, I guess I've been a busy woman since the last entry. Technically I was in lots of pain and resting up but I was also busy.
My mother had a birthday the 29th of November and even though I wasn't able to celebrate it all with her, I was able to join the family for some very delicious chocolate cake. I was busy during the day filling out new hire paperwork for a job I start tomorrow. As far as I know it's just a Saturday and Sunday (weekend part time) job so I will definitely have to find something to do Monday-Friday. It gets lonely and a tad boring here all day during the week with nothing to do. I also spent some of the day at HOME HOME (where I lived a few weeks ago before filing divorce papers) to get more of my stuff.
This was when all my dentist visits started. I went that morning to find out nothing new. I ended up going a week ago, exactly, to have a very badly infected abcess drained. This past Wednesday, I went and had the tooth pulled. Sucks not having a tooth there but it will take time getting used to that.
Give it, I am much happier without being in that situation but everyday my heart aches to have my son. I want him with me everyday. I may not cry or sulk but on the inside my heart breaks. I was able to do some Christmas shopping (with the help of some friends) the past few days and I really hope he enjoys his gifts. I can't wait to see him open them! I will be going HOME again Christmas Eve evening to stay with my son as well as Christmas morning to watch him open gifts.
I was able to have my son for my birthday. I enjoyed that very much. I took him to Bass Pro to see Santa which he very much enjoyed. He also got to visit with his uncle whom he loves dearly. I unfortunately had to take him back to his dad mid afternoon on my birthday because he needed a bath and had school the next day. He was so sad to leave. So much he cried in his Papa's arms. That breaks my heart.
Im hoping to get him for at least 4 days next week as well as 4-5 days after Christmas. I need to find a week job that can help me save up for my own place. I want out of here the sooner the better so I can start trying to get my son full time.