Thursday, September 22, 2011

I On A Rocky Roller Coaster

5 years of marriage....would have been 6 next month all came to a crashing hault last week. In these last 5 years, it has been one bumpy road after the other but no one said it was gonna be easy. I know, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie make it look so simple, along with acting and raising HOW many kids now?? I know they aren't married but, darn it, they might as well be.
Weight loss...sometimes weight gain, depression, emotionally unstable, feeling of boredness and just wanting out. That is all that I have felt lately. I no longer want to feel this way. I tell myself the same thing my husband has been telling me lately "Things happen for a reason". What, may I ask, is the reason for all this? To find my true self-my husband thinks. To find true happiness-my husband thinks. What do I think?? I really can't answer that, to be honest. Happiness, yes, maybe but my true self?? Maybe I need to do an "Eat, Pray, Love" moment and travel the world to find my true self and my true happiness. Ya, if I had the money for that!
You know they say sometimes when you are about to die you see your life flash before your eyes. It is almost that way when you realize that your relationship or your marriage is coming to an see your entire marriage flash before your eyes. What could I have done differently? Said differently? Is it the way I acted? The way I dressed? I knew I shouldn't have used the bathroom in front of him! Ha! I knew we should've gone on more dates together or took some sort of cooking class, art class or dance class together to bring us closer. All these things no longer matter. What matters is gaining the strength to move on and support not only yourself but your child(ren).

Everything will be okay....eventually! I have to keep telling myself that. I have to keep telling myself that I have some EXCELLENT and BEAUTIFUL friends full of advice and shoulders to cry on and ears to lend when I just need to rant. Without them during this painful time, I am not sure where I would be at the moment.
I wish the pain to just move on and move on faster. I am not sure how much longer I can endure such emotion.
In the end, it will all be okay and this experience will not only make me stronger but make me a better person. 

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