I start to cry and then I stop.
I watched "Biggest Loser" via DVR yesterday and while I was watching it, Jillian asked a contestant "Have you truly ever reached for anything" and it made me stop to think. Have I TRULY ever reached for anything? EVER?
I start to cry and those tears show that I have never truly reached for anything.
In a way, I feel everything I have reached for has slipped out of my reach.
It is like my husband saying "you cannot tell me that you have never had any of your dreams come true".
My dreams are as follows:
-To have my dad be there to watch me graduate
-To have my dad walk me to down the aisle when I got married
-To have a big wedding all little girls dream of
-To finish college and be a Journalist
-To have 2 kids
-To be a booming photographer
Okay in all your theories you will probably say:
-You had a "dad" watch you graduate (step dad)
-You had a "dad" at your wedding (father in law)
-At you least you HAD a wedding and didnt marry at the JP
-You can still go back to school and graduate and you had a story published in the newspaper
-You have 2 kids (step son and son)
-You are a photographer and have clients
Okay, so you see that I have had my dreams come true---you are wrong.
What do I want to reach for? I want to reach for happiness. Have I ever truly been happy? Sure, I have. In the last 7 years, possibly a few times but not too many to recollect.
Was I really happy the day we got engaged? Sure I was because I was now engaged but in another form I was not. I was not happy because 1) he proposed to be in the bed at around 1am and said "So, do you?" How romantic. Also, 2 months before we got engaged, we almost broke off the relationship so it made me think (now..not then) did he propose 2 months after a potential break up to keep me around or was he truly in love with me. I mean "So, do you?" isn't a very romantic I'm-deeply-in-love-with-you show stopper proposal.
Was I happy the day we got married? Sure, because it was my wedding day. I did feel guilty though because I made some stupid choices to get married where I did and left some very important people out. Also, less than 12 hours before my wedding, my biological dad "ditched" me pretty much. Therefore, I was not very happy.
Was I happy the day I found out I was pregnant? Of course I was. Ask my mother, she was right there when I took it asking "are the lines still there? are they still there?" and yes, I still have those tests and the lines are STILL there! But when I told my husband, his response was "well, I told you that you were". Again, how romantic and sweet of my husband.
What about the day my son was born? I was in labor, ready for my epidural and my husband leaves to go eat lunch. I understand he had not ate since around 7-8am that morning and he was hungry around 2pm but to go and eat lunch with some other GIRL that I do not know. That is what hurt me and it felt like he was gone for about an hour. That same day, not even an hour after our son was born, he leaves me yet again to check on the dogs. Yes, we had the neighbors do it but one of our dogs doesn't do strangers so he made some messes in the house. Well, he was gone for around 3 hours or more. I was alone. My newborn son was in the nursery and I was there ALONE. I was NOT happy.
The last 7 years has been about emptiness and feeling alone. I want to be happy.
Does it mean I will be happy if I leave? Maybe and maybe not. In a way, no because I will not have my son with me. When my husband and I were separated a couple years ago for that week or so, I didn't have my son then either. I felt like a very terrible mother as well as very empty without him. I could look at his pictures and watch him on videos but I could not hold him, smell his baby smell, kiss him and see his gorgeous face.
For once in my life, I want to have a dream come true. I want to reach for that happiness.
Have you ever truly reached for anything?