I need it to call someone who cares. But then again, I have all you followers out there as well as new readers.
I have so much going on and it isn't funny. Well some from the outside may think so but the tear stains left on my computer desk and keyboard from today say otherwise.
Where to start? What to share?
To keep a long story short I will just say Saturday evening I closed our store and Sunday morning I opened the store to find we were pretty much robbed. Yes, I said robbed. The only thing I find funny about that is I looked it up on the town crime blotter last night and found that exact same address has been robbed a few times in the past. Okay, onto how this makes my life miserable. I also asked for a pay raise a week before. I was hired as manager yet was being used as everything else as well and was not getting paid enough for all I was doing. I, in turn, had all sorts of fingers pointed my direction as the theft. Let me be honest, if I had stolen THAT amount of cash I would a) go on a shopping spree for new clothes, shoes and house decor b) pay bills or c) skip town. Wouldn't you? I would not go into work the following day and pretend I knew nothing of it. After all that happened, other things started happening and I was blamed for those as well even though THOSE specific events, I was not in town or in the store when it all happened. I am fed up with the false accusations and explained to my boss just how I felt. She told me I was over reacting and that she too was a suspect when in fact she was not accusing herself nor one other employee and it was just myself and one other. I am just done with it all. I do not like to be seen as a quitter but at this point in time I feel like I am quitting. I need a job before the holidays so my family has a good Christmas.
I am bored at home and when I get bored, I get a bit depressed. I am trying to find things to do to keep me busy but so far the only thing that has kept me busy has been about 3 days of cleaning: the kitchen sink, the stove, the fridge, the cabinets (outside), the counter tops, laundry, washing sheets, vacuuming the upstairs, vacuuming the downstairs, cleaning the master bedroom, cleaning the master closet, cleaning the dishwasher and now I am out of things to do. I am not out of things to clean but I am all "cleaned out" and I am done with cleaning for now. I need a hobby. I was doing some knitting for a while but yarn can be expensive and I am low on yarn. I have some lanyard string but I don't have the patience to make lanyards at the time being. I was a photographer but it is hard to photograph anything when you have no models and I am not much for landscape/nature photography.
Yesterday my sob story started with rolling up the windows in my car. Yes, rolling up the windows. It was getting to the point my hair was in my eyes so I told everyone "watch your fingers" as I rolled up the window in case they had their fingers or hands in the windows. I didn't realize until it was too late that the mommy of the year award has just demoted to worst mommy of the year as I smashed my 4 yr old's fingers in the window. Of course, my window buttons are funny and wasn't sure which was up or down and rolled them down to let him get them out and I thought he had them out when he didn't and I rolled them back up in the window. Dang, I am such a bad mommy. After doing that at least one more time, I pulled over and had hubby make sure he was okay while I got out of the car and beat myself up over it all.
Today has just been one of those days as well where I feel I am blamed for things and I just want to dig a hole. I had to swat my lil man because he just WONT LEAVE THE DOGS ALONE (he was bit by one of them a week or so ago) and we have told him over a gazillion times to leave them alone so I got fed up with it and did what I always said I would NOT do and that was spank my lil man. I felt so bad but he just wouldn't listen.
Why do I always feel like a bad mommy?
I want another baby, I really do but things like these that happen make me NOT want anymore kids because then at those moments I feel like the worst mother ever.
I need to get out of this funk. I keep telling myself that the Lord has better things and opportunities for me but I can't get myself to believe it. I guess I need to go to church for a while to get my faith back. I don't know.
So much going on.
The good part of all this is I heard from my younger sister who I have not spoke to in over 4 months now but it wasn't just to "sister chat" it was to see if could pay half of the money for a trip for another sibling home for Thanksgiving. That put me in a bummed mood because I am not sure if this will be my last paycheck or not and I can't afford to bring another sibling home for Thanksgiving.