Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Day 3 - Letter to my parents

Dear....*cough* Dad,
I am going on 5 yrs of marriage this month. NO, it has not been the easiest nor the best 5 yrs of my life but we are both trying (so I like to think) on making things better for not just ourselves but the kids as well. I have been working on myself a lot lately and hubby keeps telling me that I need to move on from the past and live in the today for the future. Also, that he sees now as well as previous times that I have blamed myself for a lot of stuff that I never did.
I tell him that somethings I believe I did do and I deserve the blame for them. I also tell him it is hard to move on from the past when at least 3/4 of it I don't remember. He tells me that it is God's way of telling me to move on but I dont believe that crap. He may also think I may have had something traumatic happen in my life that makes me forget all the stuff in the past but if that is the case then why the hell can I only remember the bad stuff or SOME of the bad stuff in my past and nothing good???
I am trying to move on from the past. I am trying to not be such a negative person. I just need help or closure from things and I will admit that.
This letter may hurt your feelings or it may make you proud for standing up for myself. Either way, I have to get all this off my chest. 
I want to know what you want. What do you want out of this relationship between you and I? What do I want? I want to have that father/daughter relationship that we had before I got married while you were locked up. I don't believe in the deepest part of my heart that it may never come to that but you never know. I want respect and I know I can ask for that because I have shown you plenty of respect. As an adult living in the here and now, Im willing to step up and take care of my end of this relationship, so i just ask the same thing in return.
I told hubby I may need closure from you or from our past issues. Yes, I believe I have anger and resentment towards you along with our unresolved issues. I was young when you and mom divorced. Why? I dont know and part of me doesnt care to know.  I AM, though, angry at you for one unresolved issue that NEEDS resolving. I can no longer sit and blame myself for this as it was not and will NEVER be my fault. My wedding was an "event" between Andy, myself and God. NOT a "family event" as you quoted it to be. I had my reasons for certain people NOT to be there and it was not fair nor respectful of you to do what you did to me. It was always my dream of my dad walking me down the aisle when I got married....not for it to turn to the nightmare from hell with my dad giving me an ultimatum. Seriously? I think you should 1) apologize for what you did as well as 2) apologize to me for blaming me for it all when in reality it was my day (our day...hubby's and mine) and you showed no respect at all. If you cant apologize then own up to doing wrong and let's move passed all this crap.
I am also angry at the fact you tell me you dont ever time to email me or call me or whatever else because you are too busy taking care of grandma when in reality we ALL know the truth.....but you have time to sit in front of your computer and play games on Facebook or wherever else. That doesn't seem fair does it????
In other ways I resent you as a father. Yes, growing up my step dad spanked me and occasionally pointed blame at me for things that was COMPLETELY not my fault. I was blamed for my older sister's actions of doing drugs by him when I was in reality not the one to blame. Even though he did all that to me, he is a better father than you have been in the last 6 yrs I have known you as my dad.
I send you photos of myself, of my child, and of my family and I dont get much of a least not a "fatherly" response. I get more of a response from my ill grandmother (no not your mother) than I get from you. That is sad. But you know what, I just tell myself "Hey, I am OK! I am a loving, caring and giving person. I think myself as intelligent, and somewhat attractive. I am a good mother and at times a good wife as well as a wonderful daughter that any parent would be proud to call their own."
Forgiveness is a choice. I can sit here and tell myself that I am going to exercise a conscious choice to forgive you because I refuse to be locked in a bondage of hatred and resentment with you for the rest of my life...BUT....I can't bring myself to do that. I can bring myself to forgive you for not coming back for us. I can bring myself to forgive you for the "crimes" you committed being as you did your time. But I cannot bring myself to forgive you for many things including being an a*hole of a father and not showing any respect towards your daughter...your "baby girl", for laying a hand on my baby brother and my best friend, for lying to me on many accounts, and many more. I just can't do it.
I always refer back to the saying "It takes any guy to be a dad but it takes a REAL man to be a father"

1 comment:

The Frantic Mother. said...

I do not know how it was with your father, but for me growing up with mine it was hell. A lot of people tell me I should forget it and move on. Forgive and Forget. I look at them like they have lost their damn minds. I too have chunks of my childhood missing from the trauma my father caused me. I have came to the conclusion the last few years to do something for myself. I do not have memories of all the horrible stuff that happened to me, I have some. I wish I had the good memories, but its not worth being unhappy and mad about something I can't remember. The way I see it, is simple. Its our jobs to forget about the shit, and let "God, Ge, whoever you believe" forgive the person.